Day 333 of 365: Suffering cease

i was oddly stressed out today and almost feel like i'm in a state of depression. This isn't good. i've been through an event like this before and at this point in my life, i regard moments such as this distasteful. i've hurt many with this, hurt myself. Thoughts of self-worth seem to wane into a hole that looks more like a black dot on the ground. Pitch black and hollow. One escape that seem to work was to physically exert myself to the point of exhaustion. However, today is different. The picture of a punching bag was occupying my thoughts and i wonder if it's a call to impulse shopping. Then the rational side kicks in and ask where it would go in an already cramped apartment? Hey, maybe the wall? The person leaning against it? Nah... i'm more mature than that. These were the thoughts in my head all day at work.

Coming home, i sought temporal relief from shooting online representations of others on Modern Warfare. Not the same satisfaction as that of exercises. Did it work? Don't think so. For a good amount of time, i just didn't want to do anything or interact with anyone. Nothing.

That is until i moved myself to the computer and logged on to Gmail. That's where i chat with Annie for the few hours of her work. i know i had tons to work on, but several i couldn't because of the lack of resources. Annie saved me by offering materials that i needed and would receive shortly after dinner.

Dinner...well, i wanted spam. Crispy spam. So i sliced spam as thin as i could possibly cut and pan fried them. Soaked the oil from the hot paper thin processed meat and let it dry to a nice crisp. This is the cheap alternative to bacon, but not quite the same. Instant ramen was on the menu that would fit the spam and i made eggs to accompany them.

Took a shower after getting the materials from Annie and did some laundry. Finished what i wanted to do, but got obstructed by confusion on one item. Something that i would have to consult with Annie first. Then my Dad called...

i feel...sad...that it somehow feels like the relationship between my Dad and i is different now. i don't know if it's the lack of time that we spent with each other or the scary thought of the lack of quality time with quality bonding that is missing. Conversations are dry because it's the same thing and it feels like he would, some times, not get the 100% of what i'm saying to him. Am i not speaking clearly to him or my words are too big for him to understand? Is he too stressed out to even listen to me? What's up with this?

Some times i feel like giving up in life. Tired of trying to do what i like to do, what i want to do. Thinking that life means nothing. That's where heaven sounds so good right now. Enfield's "Arrived" feels what i'm thinking. All tears are gone and suffering cease...